A few thoughts on being an introvert

I am an introvert. I don't see that as a negative. I like being an introvert. I like living alone and being on my own. Solitude gives me a sense of peace and relaxation that I never feel when I'm with people. I alway feel like I have to make an effort when I'm in the company of others. It doesn't matter how well or how long I've known them.

Sometimes that makes me sad. I'd like to be able to spend time with someone and not feel like my energy is being drained. I used to have that with my best friend but in recent years our very different life choices has caused us to drift apart. The last time I wanted to spend time with her was maybe eight or nine months ago.

I often talk to my therapist about being introverted and craving solitude. One of my concerns is knowing the difference between wanting to be alone because that is simply who I am, and wanting to be alone because of other factors (like a lack of trust, fear of being hurt, and so on). It's possible my love of solitude is as a result of all of those factors. I want to be alone because I am an introvert and a loner but also because I've been hurt and betrayed too many times.

At first I retreated from everyone because I needed time to rest and recuperate from several very traumatic years. I'd always been comfortable on my own but I'd never before made such a conscious and concerted effort to be alone. Soon it became a normal way of life. I stopped making an effort to socialise and discovered that it was no big deal. I also discovered that the only times I truly felt content and relaxed were when I was alone. Being with people, even people I like or love, has a somewhat negative effect on my well-being. No matter how much I enjoy their company, I still feel eager to be on my own once again, relief at not having to talk or listen to anyone.

I don't discuss these feelings with anyone but my therapist because no one I know really understands. They try to but I feel that they harbour an underlying belief that my love of solitude is, in some sense, a symptom of a bigger problem. I don't want advice and tips on how to socialise or broaden my circle of friends. I did all those things and they didn't bring me much happiness.

I'm going to end this post here. Even writing these few short paragraphs have taken an emotional toll and I'm worried that I haven't expressed myself very well.